This evening, I thought about some things I've learned in my theatrical career. From stage management to performance, I've encountered a lot of unique circumstances. But overall, there are some things that seem to be woven through every production and every cast. These lessons are the things I hope to pass on to my kids...not just regarding stage work, but life in general...
As we approach a brand new year, I'm feeling pretty happy. This is the first time I'm going into January, not hating myself and cringing every time I see or hear a weight loss commercial. I'm still amazed at the difference I see. It all feels so new, even though I've been on this journey for a while now.
I went shopping this weekend, and found myself browsing the plus size section. I had to tell myself I no longer need those sizes. I have so many more options available now. It's weird and wonderful! My self-image still lingers in a bigger world, so I have to consciously make myself move on to smaller pastures.
I never thought I'd be here. I had surrendered to the idea of being heavy all my life. I'm thankful and proud. And I will never look back.
My best friend is trying to lighten my not-so-happy show-closing mood by getting me to write a bit. She's sweet that way, and I adore her. The prompt was:
You have to use at least 100 words and then text back. It must start with:
“There are two kinds of people in the world, _______&________.”
And this was my reply:
There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who remember, and those who don’t. Those who don’t keep living their lives, going through the day-to-day toil our society has gotten used to. They get up every morning, go to work, come home, sleep, and do it all over again the next day, living for the two days off they get each week. And by the time those days roll around, they are so shot, they sit in front of mind-numbing screens and do nothing except complain about how time got away from them.
But those who remember linger a bit. They know how things used to be. Before. When the world was calmer. Quieter. They are watchful. They see what’s happening around them and yearn for something else. Something more. They yearn for the stars because that is where the secrets are kept. High above us, twinkling with amusement. The stars know.
I thought I'd post it here. To remember...
Hers was far more lighthearted, creative, and fun. Because that's who she is! Posted with permission, of course...the lovely Bethanie Gellerman...
There are two kinds of people in the world, me and me.
No, there aren’t.
Yes, there are.
Because everyone else, I believe; are cyborgs. Or perhaps chimpanzees. I don’t know because I haven’t met everyone.
And you’re not likely to as long as we are battling for space in the same head.
I did not ask for your opinion.
And yet you cannot escape it￼￼￼￼.
Shut up while I write this. As I was saying, I am unique in all the world.
And so am I!￼
Oh, very well. What shall we do tonight?
Well we seem to be off to a roaring start talking to ourself.
Ugh. I can’t even get multiple personalities right. ￼so many crazies have legions of souls in their heads and all I get is you.
I know right? It’s like the lottery. Like Christmas.
Or the Hunger Games.
You probably don't remember me. I met you years ago. Admired your work. You were part of a cute little production that involved some of my favorite music. I stuck your CD in my collection and pulled you out every so often. I watched your movie from time to time, but I have to be honest...it wasn't my favorite. (Not because of the content, but because of the casting.) As much as people talked about you, you were just no big deal to me.
But then several months ago, you came roaring back into my life.
At first, I didn't want anything to do with you. I figured I'd never be good enough to be associated with you. And you know, I really didn't think you'd be good enough to be associated with me...on a totally different level. But then a friend told me a few secrets and insights about you. Piqued my curiosity for sure.
I started watching you. Studying you. I knew if we were going to see eye-to-eye, I was going to have to change a few things. Which I did. My heart softened toward you. I began to understand some of your choices. I began to see that your choices were also some I have made in my past, even though my life went in a much different direction. I began to see who you really were.
I began to like you.
I worked really hard on myself. Changing my body so I could keep up with you. Finding just the right words, motions, emotions, and tones to capture your attention. Wishing, hoping, dreaming, and praying. And you know, all that really paid off. Because some amazing people saw that I just might be able to fill your shoes for a little while. And they gave me the chance to prove myself in that way.
I've been a part of you for three beautiful months now. And tomorrow, I have to say goodbye. I don't want to, but the time has come for us to move on from each other. I will always carry you with me in my heart. You've become part of me. You've taught me to value myself. You've given me confidence, compassion, wisdom, love, laughter, and freedom. I am forever grateful to and for you. You've changed my life.
Thank you, darling Donna. I will never, ever forget you.
The last couple months, I've experienced one of my dreams coming true. Before I get to that, let me take a few steps back...
This year has been really hard. In April, we lost my mom's dog. Although he belonged to her, he really was the family dog. We all loved him, and he loved us. He started developing a "cough", and when we took him to the vet, they said he had an enlarged heart. My son later said that's because he had so much love to give. But that very night after the vet visit, his heart gave out. It was devastating to all of us.
And in August, my mom had a hip replacement surgery. She was in awful pain, so the surgery was most welcome. My sweet aunt and uncle drove out in their RV to help with her recovery, as I had to travel for work shortly after the surgery. In a freak accident, my uncle took a fall which resulted in his death. Beyond devastating...this was unthinkable! He was a strong, healthy man, and this death seemed unsuited to him after all he'd been through.
With the bad, though, comes good. Such is life. A delicate balance. God blesses us in special ways so that we can work through and overcome the bad. And while these horrible things took away friends and family we love, other amazing things have taken place.
I've spent most of my life doing theatre in one form or another. As a kid, I watched and wanted to be part of it. In high school, I worked backstage, but longed to have the courage to stand before an audience and sing. I got my degree in stage management because I knew I could handle backstage work (and I loved it). I had convinced myself I wasn't good enough...and I didn't LOOK good enough to be a performer. I found my way into bit parts here and there, though, because the calling continued. After I got married and was a stay-at-home mom, I needed a creative outlet. I found that in community theatre. But I stayed in the background, still not happy with the way I looked.
I found a family in a wonderful community theatre company called Sunrise Players. They perform at a church not too far from my home. They embraced both my kids and me immediately, and I've never looked back. I won't perform with any other group. They are loving, kind, considerate...again, FAMILY. Back in March, we performed Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella, and I was cast as Queen Maisie. That role was so much fun! I had a blast.
Then they announced their next show would be Mamma Mia!
I was hesitant at first. How could a church ministry put on a show about a young girl meeting her three possible dads? And laced with innuendo and dirty words? I'm not prude, but I spent a good portion of my married life as a pastor's wife, so I'm a little sensitive to those things. But the director--an amazing woman--addressed all my concerns and put my heart at ease. She had a plan to make this production as family-friendly as possible.
And I knew my time had come.
I wanted the lead role of Donna. But looking down at my body, dressed in the Queen's regal size 22 gown, how could I do it? Donna is a former rockstar turned innkeeper. She has awesome songs with dance breaks. And in the dialogue, one of the men says, "I was expecting a frumpy, little housewife," indicating that she's NOT that.
I had to change if I wanted that part. So during show week of Cinderella, I started. My high school director always said tech/show week was never the time to start a diet. But with limited time...from March to August...I had to. I began to log my calories. I focused on eating single-ingredient foods. Rotisserie chicken became a fast favorite. Veggies and fruit, too. I quit eating bread and sugar. My family has a long-standing tradition of pizza and a movie on Friday nights. I ordered or made a salad instead. And I started walking. Twenty minutes a day to begin with. And I increased over time.
A couple weeks after my uncle passed away, I auditioned for Mamma Mia! Over the summer, I not only worked on my weight, but on my voice and memorization. I polished my audition pieces and prayed...a lot.
And the directors graciously granted me the role of Donna.
Despite the bad things my family faced this year, I count myself most blessed. This production is about to come to a close. Tech week is just days away, and the performances are around the corner. I get to sing some powerful, beautiful songs. The script has come to life in my heart. I get to perform with amazing talent under the direction of fantastic directors. And I've gone from wearing sizes 22-24 to sizes 8-10. As of this very day, I've lost 87 pounds.
Donna has changed my life for the better. I owe her so much. My journey isn't over, but I'm on the downhill side of it. I want to lose another 30 pounds before all is said and done. And once I reach that, I will have to work to maintain it. Weight will always be a struggle in my life, but I almost have it under control. Putting on small clothes is FAR more satisfying than a mouthful of pizza or cake. That's my motivation.
I'm grateful for the support I've received through this. I'm thankful for family and friends who have encouraged me. I don't have enough words to thank my directors for giving me a chance as Donna. And to that beautiful character who inspired me and drove me to pursue her...my heart is hers.
If you've read my book Asylum, you know I'm not a big fan of doctors. I know a few personally, and they are awesome people, but in general, I've not had the best of luck with them. Let me share a couple examples...
After I had my second child, I went to a doctor to see about losing weight. He labeled me morbidly obese and said he couldn't do much for me, but I was on the path to having a heart attack. "In fact, it would be easier for me to treat you if you had one," he had the nerve to say.
When I asked another doctor about losing weight, thinking I'd probably be recommended for bariatric surgery, she said, "Weight Watchers is a great program. You should join that."
I was in a tailspin of eating my feelings for way too many years. I hid behind depression, fear, anger...and comforted myself with cheesecake, pizza, and ice cream.
But there's been a major change.
After my last onstage performance, I was inspired. Inspired by the way I felt after seeing myself on camera. Inspired by the hope of the next production. Inspired to get healthy for myself and for my kids.
I changed my diet. I started eating single-ingredient foods--vegetables, fruit, meat. I stayed away from sugar and carbs (knowing fruit and veggies have healthy carbs). I drink only water. I forced myself to get up and start walking. Instead of sitting and watching a Netflix show, I pulled it up on my tablet and rode our stationary recumbent bike.
As of today, I am down 51 pounds! And that's not the end of it. I've discovered a lifestyle change. I like the way I am eating. I feel good. My brain fog is gone. Depression is gone. I can deal with and work through the feelings that come my way. I no longer have to take my daily prescription for heartburn. I like the way I am exercising. I feel strong. Energetic. Ready to take on the world. I finally like myself, and I haven't felt that way in a very long time.
I've done this without doctors, without Weight Watchers, without a gym membership. This has been a partnership with God Who's given me the strength and courage and will to keep going. Looking back, the journey hasn't been that difficult. I wish I had done it sooner. But the timing is right. And I'm grateful.
I'm proud to announce Book 2 of my Star Sailors series is now available!
This is the story that actually inspired the entire series, and it's one of my favorites! Commodore Jameson Kendrick falls in love and gets into a heap of trouble. Isn't it wonderful when characters do that?
Here's the official description:
Now commodore of the Kendrick Brothers Star Lines fleet, Jameson Kendrick eagerly anticipates the maiden voyage of the newly remodeled flagship Corona. But the expected arrival of the ship's headline musical act leads to unexpected chaos.
While Jameson attempts to stick to his shipboard duties and resist the charms of the young woman who is slated to entertain his passengers, he is caught up in a web of galactic politics, including a plot to kill her. Who knew she was at the center of a secret that could threaten the entire galaxy? Solving the mystery and helping her could jeopardize his star lines, but Jameson is compelled to do the right thing…
Get your copy today on Amazon! Click here for more.
In recent years, I've had many family members and friends comment on how "innocent" I am. Certain words slip out, and people apologize to me. Certain board/card games won't be played because they are a bit unsavory. Certain movies won't be discussed. The list goes on and on.
What they don't know about me is that I used to swear like a sailor. I used to play those unsavory games. I used to watch nasty movies. (Okay, maybe not nasty, but pretty bad.) And much worse.
But you know what changed? It's sounds trite, although it's anything but.
God got a hold of me.
When I chose to place my faith in Jesus Christ, I also had to choose who I was to become. Would I continue to walk in that lifestyle? Consume whatever I felt like, be it books, movies, songs...and let all that affect my behavior? Or would I "go and sin no more," as Jesus told the woman caught in adultery.
To make matters better (I can't say worse because I got to marry my sweetie!), I became a pastor's wife. Not only was I needing to fight that battle within. It was on display for a church full of people!
Now, I'm not perfect. Far from it. But I am choosing to fill my life with good things. Paul tells us in Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." That's what I choose to fill my life with.
Sometimes I slip. I've written a series of books that are far edgier than anything I've written before. And just last night, I started watching a movie that went from bad to worse. I tolerated more than a few F-bombs because I wanted to see where it was going. And when it went to a place that made me super uncomfortable, I turned it off. The images, though, stuck with me through a good part of the evening. And that's the problem. Even when you turn stuff off, it's still in your head.
Please don't hear me say that I think I'm better than you. Not one bit. I am a sinner saved by grace. This is a choice I make for me--to keep myself in check and to be an example for my children. I'm now wearing my innocence proudly. I'm a child of the one true King. I want His voice to lead me. I want His words to fill my mouth. I want His spirit to fill my heart.
There's a beautiful melancholy that comes with closing a production. It's a victory. A success. An accomplishment. But it's also a goodbye to the people you've grown to love--to count as family-- over the last few months. While you're thankful for the time you gain in the nights without rehearsal, you're sorrowful because it's time to move on. To get back to the life you knew before. Yet you are forever changed, so really there's no going back.
I so enjoyed my time as part of Sunrise Players' Cinderella. This was a special production for me, as my husband and children were part of the cast. In the role of the Queen, I got to wear beautiful dresses and have fun interactions with other characters. I was blessed to be part of this show. Every aspect was rock-solid, both onstage and off. There's a lot more to a performance than what you see. Months of planning, vision-casting, and hard work from the directors and the production team is what really makes for a tight show. And we have one of the best!
Beyond the show, I've seen many of my friends grow as performers and professionals. I've grown, too! Theatre is such a unique event. The challenge of learning a script and songs, developing a character to bring the words to life, incorporating costumes, props, sets, and technical elements, then presenting all that to a varied audience...there's nothing else like it! Not to mention the relationships and communication that happens in between.
After our strike, I stepped into the empty sanctuary. (We perform in a church.) The lights had been turned off. The sets dismantled. The costumes sorted. The props put away. The orchestra was long gone, and most of the actors had trickled out. All was quiet. And my heart filled with gratitude. We may have been just a glimmer on that stage, but the memories are forever set in our hearts.
It was a lovely night. Thank you to all who were involved and who came to see us.
I distinctly remember a phone call to my dad when I was a child. The circumstances around the call elude me, but I remember ending the conversation with "I love you." And I remember saying it because it wasn't said often in our home and I wanted to change that. So I did.
From that point onward, I said it when I left the house, when I went to bed, any time it suited the situation. I said it to my mom and brothers, too. And they started to say it back. It became part of who we were. Are.
Over the years, I've learned to say it to friends. You never know when will be the last time you see that person, so if you love them, why not let them know? Now.
And this all came to mind tonight as I was saying good night to my son. I must have told him I love him five or six times. And the thought struck me that if you say it too often, it loses its meaning.
But does it? Does it really?
Because in that same moment, the reasoning hit me as tears stung my eyes...
"I say it a lot because I can't say it enough."
I could say those three little words for the rest of my life and not be able to tell him how very much I love him. And that goes for my husband, my girls, my brothers, my mom, and the slew of other people who mean the world to me.
Love may have different shades. I love God differently than I love my husband. And I love him differently than I love my children. And I love them differently than I love my mom. And my friends. But that doesn't change the face that love is still in my heart for the person on the receiving end of my words.
After all...1 John 4:19 reminds us, "We love because he first loved us."
So unashamedly, unreservedly, unrelentingly, I tell you...I love you. I love you. I. Love. You. I'm grateful for you. And I love you. Always and forever.
I say it a lot because I can't say it enough.
Award-winning sci-fi author * Christ follower, wife, and mom * broadcast content producer. And yes, I am a real duchess. http://amzn.to/2eLTlH3