Birthday Eve Reflection

Tomorrow is my birthday. It's not an exciting milestone year. There's no big surprise party or celebration planned. It's just another day to most people. But as the day approaches, I always remain hopeful that something wonderful will come.

Then I remind myself to be realistic.

My least favorite question is, "What do you want for your birthday?"

How do you answer that without sounding selfish? "Um...how much do you want to spend?" Yeah, that's not awkward...

What I want can't be bought.

The shallow part of me wants a movie deal. To see my characters on the big screen and watch their stories come to life for all to see. To live their moments off the page, fully immersed in a sleek vision with an amazing soundtrack/score.

But I know that's just a pipe dream. A silly fantasy. And deep down, I probably don't want that. I'd hate to give creative control to someone else.

What I really want doesn't cost anything, though.

What I really want is for someone to know me well enough to already know the answer to that initial question. For someone to invest the time reading my books and talking about my worlds and characters with me. For me not to be an obligation or another gift to check off some list.

I also want a million memories with my kids. To know that I have given them a solid foundation that will serve them well in their lives. To see them grow in a relationship with their Heavenly Father. To bestow upon them enough confidence, laughter, love, and light to carry them through their days. While some believe those are gifts I'd be giving my kids, they really are gifts to me. And I treasure them so.

My hope this year is tempered with reticence. Maybe even a bit of sorrow. 2020 has been a crapshoot--heavy on the crap. Last year was so different. I was different. I had a goal. Something to look forward to. A purpose. This year...feels lost. I'm trying to enjoy this season, but I really just can't wait for the year to be over. To move on.

That's a pretty sad place to be on your birthday.

But I'll get over it. I always do. I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings. And if it's blah, I'll dive into the cheesecake I made for myself and leap into one of my stories for a quick escape.